The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
