Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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