I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
