I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
