Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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