Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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