God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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