A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
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