I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
