Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
