I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize
