I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
