i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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