Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I'm pleased to know that your mom refers to me as "the ass piliager" now
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
