sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
