he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
