afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
