Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
