So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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