I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
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