I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Randomize
