Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
