seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize