I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
the condom got lost in my hair
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
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