ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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