do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Randomize
