Taking a 35 year old indonesian home, only in vegas ;-)
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
Having random cyber sex while watching to catch a predator just seems wrong.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
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