i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
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