soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
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