What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
