Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
