I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
