I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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