I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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