New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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