This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
