Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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