the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
