i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Randomize
