I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
