her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize