Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
So after I fell off 4 times we concluded I'm not allowed to ride him anymore.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
