I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
