yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Randomize
