you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize
