I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Is her dick bigger than yours?
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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