I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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