you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm bleeding and have questions
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
