shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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