I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Randomize
