I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
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