Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Pants are for mortals
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
