You just made me feel so damn special
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
