Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
