Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
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