You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
