If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
