Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I just gift wrapped bread.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
