On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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