The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
