The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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