you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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