I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Mom said you looked used
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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